Magical Tea Weather

    Mystical sparks shot out of Helen's magical tea. As she began to take a sip, one of the sparks shot up her nose, causing her to sneeze. When she sneezed, she spilled her magical tea all over her keyboard. Suddenly, her keyboard began flexing and contorting until it began walking by itself. It yanked its cord out from the computer, then flapped its sides like wings and flew out the window into the stormy air.

    A strong gust of wind blew it straight into a tree, shattering it. Helen watched this happen in less than a minute, and thought this is not at all how I expected my morning to go. . .

    Unable to work now, though, she decided to instead snuggle up into her cozy corner with her magical tea and watch the weather. A quick text to her boss explaining the situation, then she was free for the day.     "Understandable!" he replied, then Helen grabbed her dragonfluff blanket and plopped in the corner chair.

Brassicic Date

    "Mr. Prout, you flatter me!" Cabbagegail said to her date who was complimenting her attire for the evening.

    "Babe, call me Russels! No need for the formalities anymore" he said, riding his eyebrows. 

    Blushing, Cabbagegail twirled her hair, imagining a future with this captivating man.

Ishmael's Beans

    "Greta! Get me the can of beans!" Ishmael cried to his dear wife. But no answer came. Again, he cried "Greta! The beans!" but all was silent.
    Ishmael finally managed to wiggle himself free of the wardrobe that had fallen on him, and he slowly crept upstairs, dreading what he hoped he wouldn't find. But alas, crestfallen he beheld a sickening sight. In the office he found his wife motionless in the chair, facing the computer screen. Motionless except the chewing of her mouth.
    Ninja was streaming on twitch again. She scooped another spoonful of beans from the open can she was holding, brought it to her mouth, and began chewing again. "Greta" Ishmael whispered. But no answer.
    "Greta" he said louder. Still no answer.
    Finally, Ishmael shouted "GRETA!" and startled, Greta jumped out of her chair, spilling beans across the entire office. She removed her headphones and said "Ishmael! I thought you were at work!"
    "No honey. No, I was trapped under the wardrobe."
    "Again? I'm so sorry, I would have come to help!"
    "Would you have?" Ishmael asked. But he did not wait for a response. Disappointed, he shuffled out the door and back down the stairs.

    Greta sat back down in her chair, tears welling in her eyes. Then she scooped the remaining spoonful of beans from the can and tried to choke them down. But she couldn't. She couldn't keep anything inside right now. The rest of the night she sat in her bean covered chair, with beans splattered among the office, sobbing uncontrollably.

Dancing Steve

    Feel the beat. Every pulse. Back and forth. Never stop.

    Lights shone across the dance floor, and only Dancing Steve continued swaying to the music. Even Rocket Emily had tapped out, her tremendous stamina had failed her. She and Gretchen Elevator stood by the bar sipping appletinis and hydrating, astounded at the remaining member of their crew on the dance floor. And still Dancing Steve continued moving to the music.

    Hours later, when the rest of the crew was refreshed, a particular throb of the music entranced them, and Dancing Steve, by his movements alone, beckoned them to region him on the dance floor. Altogether, Rocket Emily, Gretchen Elevator, Dazzling Michael, and Bellbottom Bill slid out on their knees, then stood up and joined Dancing Steve in his movements.

    And still, Dancing Steve never stopped.

Snickers the Dragon

    Snickers the dragon decided one day to ravage the local town of Savageport. He swooped down from his mountain perch and bellowed before the townspeople "Fear you all, the mighty power of Snickers, the dragon!"

    The townspeople stood there gaping at the beast. Then they all bent over laughing hysterically.

    "Snickers! The poor beast, his mother named him Snickers" and "Who's afraid of Snickers the dragon?" Snickers could hear them exclaim throughout the laughter.

    Disconcerted, Snickers tried again to scare the townspeople. He morphed his face into a menacing glare, but mixed with his confusion, what the people saw was an ugly facial contortion. The laughter increased and again Snickers could hear comments between the cacophony.

    "Look at the thing, it's hideous!" and "Please stop, it's too much! Turn away from here, we have work to do!"

    Snickers' eyes began to water, and he immediately took to the sky and flew back to his mountain home, devastated. Whether it was from the town itself, or echoes from his time in the town, the laughter continued to sound in his ears. Eventually, he succumbed to a fitful sleep.

    The dragon woke up self-conscious, and he dared not even leave his perch for a week. Day after day the comments repeated in his head, and he grew increasingly depressed. Why did his mom name him Snickers? Was he really that hideous?

    Then, one day he was pacing the floor when the old plaque on the wall caught his attention.

    "Remember, you're a dragon, and you're not to be mocked. No matter what your name is, or how you look!" it read. That's suspiciously fitting Snicker's thought, but it was just what he needed to get him out of his funk.

    At once, he took off again from his perch and swooped down to the town.

    Once again, the laughter arose "Look, Snickers is back! Everybody cower in fear of the ugly --"

    Suddenly there was silence. Silence except for the Snickers' digestive system now churning through an entire town's worth of people.

    "Shouldn't have laughed" he said. "Then again, this was your end regardless. I'm a dragon. I'm Snickers the dragon.

Pick and Roll to Lose the Game

    "Alright team, we've got eight seconds left in the fourth quarter. We're down by 2. Jeffreys, I want you to take it up, you're gonna fake right then move left. Abernathy, I want you to pick and roll for Jeffreys. Jeffreys, if the shot isn't open, pass to Abernathy, and we all pray he makes it in. Got it?" Coach McKinny ran over the final play in hopes to win the championship. The team nodded their heads, and the coach sent them back out onto the court.

    Like planned, Jeffreys took the ball up.

    7. . .

    Abernathy took his spot at the top of the three-point line.

    6. . .

    Jeffreys faked right, then went left, but something was wrong.

    5. . .

    Abernathy was just standing there. What is he doing?

    4. . . 

    Jeffreys was surrounded, time to pass.

    3. . .

    "Abernathy, what are you doing, move!" Coach McKinny yelled. Abernathy looked up, startled. He took his hand away from his face and took his spot behind the three-point line.

    2. . .

    Jeffreys passed to Abernathy. Abernathy squared himself to the basket.

    1. . .

    Then he shot. Perfect form. Everyone watched the anticipated arc of the shot, but no ball followed.

The buzzer beeped. The opposing team, The Hamsters, erupted in cheers at winning the championship. Moments later the ball dropped from Abernathy's hand, hitting the floor. The Mockingbirds joined Coach McKinny in congratulating The Hamsters, then met in the locker room.

    "What was that Abernathy! The play was all set. You missed your queue and still managed to get in position in time, and then you just held the ball. Give me one reason why I shouldn't release you from the team immediately!"

    "Coach, I tried to shoot it, but the ball wouldn't go!"
    "What do you mean it wouldn't go? Have my eyes deceived me during practice? Have I not seen you drain three after three?"

    "It stuck to my finger! I tried to shoot it, but it wouldn't release!"
    Furious at the insanity that Abernathy was speaking, Coach McKinny's face was turning red. Then from gritted teeth he grumbled "What do you mean it stuck to your finger. Balls don't just stick when you shoot them."

    "You said pick and roll, so I did!"
    "That was the worst pick in basketball history! You stood there like a moron gaping down. We had to remind you what to do!"
    "It was one of my best picks yet, and I wasn't done rolling!"
    "You didn't even roll when you were supposed to!"
    "I hadn't gotten anything yet; there was nothing to roll!"

    "The only thing to roll is you, Abernathy! All you had to do was follow the play and we would have won!"

    "I DID FOLLOW THE PLAY!" Abernathy screamed, frustrated at his coach. "Now it's dry" he said, flicking his booger across the locker room, bouncing off of Jeffreys shin. "Who calls a play like that with eight seconds left in the game!"

    Abernathy stormed out of the locker room. Coach McKinny was gripping his clipboard so hard that it snapped, while the rest of the team stood there, understanding.

    "Well, you did tell him to pick and roll, coach." Jeffreys said.

    "SHOWERS, NOW!" Coach McKinny yelled.

Puzzle Time with Grandma

    Lily and Grandma were doing a puzzle like they normally did on Tuesday evenings after Lily arrived after school. Today it was a picture of cats playing with a ball of yarn. They sat there putting the puzzle together and drinking tea, waiting for Lily's dad to come pick her up. He was later than usual today.

    "Where is that bozo son of mine?" Grandma asked.

    "Grandma! He's probably just stuck in traffic." Lily replied.

    Grandma looked at her from the corner of her eyes but remained silent. Then she sniffed the air and gasped. "They're back," she whispered.

    "Who's back?"

    "Quiet. Come with me, we need to save your father." Grandma hurried, shuffling as fast as she could back to the table. She quickly inserted the remaining few pieces of the puzzle, completing it. Then she gently lifted the mat it was resting on and brought the picture to a cupboard in the corner.

    "What's in there?" Lily asked. "Is that where you keep our completed puzzles?"

    Grandma considered her question. "In a way, yes. Come, watch."

    Grandma opened the cupboard and inside was a fancy machine. It had a long slip at the top and a compartment at the bottom. She slid the completed puzzle into the slit and asked Lily to press the big green button on the front.

    Lily bopped the button eagerly, and a moment later it started making fancy machine sounds. "Is it scanning the puzzle?"

    Grandma considered this question as well. "I suppose so, yes."

    Then the sounds ceased, and Lily heard something knocking in the compartment. Grandma opened the door, and out walked three kittens, each wearing some kind of contraption on their backs. The contraptions seemed to have been made out of the yarn they'd been playing with in the picture and embedded in the front of the contraptions were dozens of sewing needles, each facing outward.

    "Come little ones, you're needed!" Grandma beckoned. Then with a spryness she hadn't shown before, she gathered the kittens on her person and led Lily to her Oldsmobile. Once she was safely buckled in, she sped away down the highway looking for Lily's father.

    No more than five minutes had passed before they saw a sickening sight. Four robots were stomping along the highway playing catch with a silver Toyota Corolla. The vehicle had a dent in the left rear corner, and peeling black pin stripes along the left side only; the mark of a poor attempt to make the car more interesting. There was no mistaking it, the car was her father's, and if it was on the highway, he was inside.

    "Grandma what do we do, Dad's in there!" Lily exclaimed.

    But Grandma was climbing out the top window while the Oldsmobile was still speeding down the highway.

    "Hey, you junk buckets, leave my son alone!" She cried. Then she commanded her kittens "Go forth my fuzzy fighters, stop them!"

    She chucked each of the kittens with the power of Shohei Ohtani towards the robots. The kittens' eye sockets drew back from the wind in their face, but once they slowed, they engaged rockets on their backs to make the rest of the distance to their targets.

    The kittens landed by the robots' feet, and the quickly engaged their secret needle weapon. They each shot as many needles as they could at each of the robots, and as each needle flew out, it drew with it length of yarn, consuming the pack on the back of each kitten.

    Soon the robots were connected in a tangled web, and their movement was greatly constricted. The kittens latched onto the ends of each of the yarn strands with their teeth, then began circling the robots, constricting them further.

    Eventually they were a tight knot, and the Toyota Camry fell out of one of the robots' hands. Lily's dad climbed out and thanked his mother "Thanks mom, sorry that always happens..."
    Grandma hmphed but didn't respond. She was marching up to the robots. The kittens joined her, and they began meowing in a chorus at the robots.

    Slowly, the robots began freezing up, and all life seemed to depart from them. Then magically, they all started disassembling into their base component parts. The parts started floating over to the Oldsmobile. Some formed into a trailer on the back, and the rest stored themselves neatly in the trailer.

Lily and her dad rode back to Grandma's house in the back of her Oldsmobile.

    She sent Lilly into the back yard with cookies, and as soon as the door closed, she could hear her chastising her father for getting in trouble with the robots again. Lily shook her head and sighed "Oh Dad, always getting into trouble."

Clumsy Frank

    Clumsy Frank went to call his wife, Flora. He placed his oversized mug of gas station coffee on the desk and picked up the landline. As he did so, though, his boss, Mr. Krillwurd, approached to discuss the monthly earnings report. Frank had just dialed his wife, but not wanting to be rude, he spun around in his chair, creaking the whole time as it usually did.

    As he spun to face Mr. Krillwurd, his elbow bumped his coffee mug, spilling it all over his boss' pants. Frank dropped the phone and immediately stood up to help. He failed to realize that the phone cord had wrapped around himself as he turned, and when he dropped the phone, it landed in between the armrest and backrest, hooking it securely into place. As Frank stood up, he tugged on the phone cord, pulling the device out from the desk, causing a huge commotion.

    This startled Frank even further, and when he turned around, he managed to tangle himself even more. Realize the ridiculousness of the situation, he turned back around to Mr. Krillwurd to apologize, but he simply tangled himself so much that he tripped and fell right into his boss.

    The cord ended up slipping up to his neck, constricting his airflow, so the only noise Flora heard on the other line was a bunch of banging, and then a raspy, wheezy sound coming from Frank's mouth.

    In the end, Mr. Krillwurd had Janet, the secretary, call Flora and have her come in to detangle him again. 

The Persimmon of Power

    Bitter was the small Persimmon of Power. A single bite shrunk the prince's mouth into a tight pucker. At the cost of his lips for some time, though, he was granted immense Pulp Power, which he used to bring order to the Mush Kingdom.
    Ne'er-do-wells were captured and harshly sentenced for their ripe crimes. Over the years the prince did indeed bring order, all while under the mockery of his puckered lips. After a decade had passed, his power waned and lips softened, but peace and order had been returned to the kingdom. Prince, now King Palatable would be revered throughout the history of the Mush Kingdom

Lenny's Loafycat-Catching Emporium

    One day, if you're very careful, you can snatch a loafycat. They like to sit where the sun is warm, soaking up the rays, leavening into a full loaf. While air resistance certainly slows these creatures down, they're quicker than you'd expect. Still, with the right loafycat hunting supplies, even you can catch one. So come on down do Lenny's Loafycat-Catching Emporium today. Fifty percent off of last years loafycat-catching equipment (perfect for catching last year's loafycats!)

Joel and the Bad Banana

    Mystical brown swirls emanated from the banana Joel had just peeled. Entranced, he slowly brought the fruit to his mouth, and just before he took a bite, the top half flew off and splattered against the wall.

    Joel shook his head and snapped out of his trance "Thanks Jeauxnce, that was close."

    Jeauxnce stood up straight and sheathed his sword. "That was a bad banana. You need to be able to recognize these things."

    "I know, I'm sorry." Joel replied.

    Jeauxnce bowed then leapt out the window. Joel looked at the remaining half of his banana, then began peeling it. Jeauxnce's head popped up in the window and he stared at his younger brother, wagging his finger at him. Chided, Joel threw the banana in the trash, then cleaned up the splatter on the wall.

    I need to understand how to find bad bananas he told himself.

Space Chase

    One day in the space meadow, Angela was zooming her dog across the holographic landscape when a Cosmic Cat hovered by. Immediately Angela's dog began chasing it, dragging Angela through the vacuum, holographic flowers whacking her in the face. The Cosmic Cat abruptly stopped with its tail sticking straight up from its rear.

    Angela's dog fired its reverse thrusters until it stopped, and then it growled at the creature. The Cosmic Cat turned 180 degrees and stared at them. Its eyes rolled backward and it began glowing with a bright white light. Strange humming resonated from it, and soon the light had extended all around it in all directions, covering the blackness of space with its glow.

    Angela tried to get her dog to retreat, but it growled even harder, keeping its thrusters fired against its owner's pull. The Cosmic Cat's eyes began glowing red, and though the iris' were inside its skull, it seemed to be glaring directly at the dog. They seemed to be filling up with energy, and it quickly became clear that it was going to blast the dog.

    Just as Angela shrieked for her pet, the space meadow animal patrol car zoomed up with its net and scooped up the cat. Two men hopped out, and the one opening the rear door said "You alright miss? Thanks for finding him"

    The one with the net added "This is the most troublesome rascal we've encountered. Escapes at least once a week, can you believe it!"

    Angela shook her head, composing herself. "Yeah. . . I'm fine. Thank you."

    The two men locked the cat in the back and waved to Angela and her dog as they zoomed away. Angela resumed her walk with her dog, returning through the space meadow. As she turned to walk back home, she glanced one last time at the animal control car, and in the back window she could see two blazing red dots, clearing focused right on her. She quivered, but the car took a turn, and the eyes were gone.

    "C'mon Schnarles. Let's get inside. That's enough of a walk today" she said, leading her dog back into her home.

Tea With Friends

    The most unpleasant tea imaginable sat in front of Naomi. She wouldn't leave until she overcame her apprehension, though. After the liquid had cooled down enough to drink, and a little more procrastination, Naomi grabbed the cup and attempted to drink. She revolted and quickly placed the cup back on the saucer when she smelled the memory-filled aroma.

    Immediately the young woman was taken back to the summer at her grandparents' farm when she was eight years old. They'd have her milk the cows every morning, and their idea of a refreshing break was a glass of freshly-picked-raspberry tea with milk. The drink itself was unpleasant, but now intimately knowing where milk came from, she was apprehensive toward drinking the drink. She did drink it, though because being berated for being ungrateful was less desirable.

    She was berated regardless, though, so why she did drink it she wasn't sure. Every day her grandfather scolded her for not enjoying the drink; evidently that was equivalent to not accepting the drink.

Naomi returned to the present, and her friends beckoned her to try the Red Gold raspberry tea. They insisted it was delicious. Naomi reminded herself that it was ok, this wasn't her grandparents' farm, this was tea with friends.

    She grabbed the cup again and sniffed, intentionally trying to disassociate the scent from the memories. Better she thought. Then as she brought the cup to her lips, the waiter approached their table and asked "milk?"

    Naomi threw the cup at the waiter's face and stormed out of the restaurant. Her friends followed shortly after in fits of laughter, but she stood sulking under the awning.

    They have no idea she thought.

The Laughter Contagion

    Three old men sat playing checkers and drinking tea early in the morning. Whenever joggers ran by they resumed their intended pastime of jeering at them and making fun of their shoes. Unfortunately for them, the new neighbor, Raquel, was also a runner, and when they mocked her shoes, she abruptly removed them from her feet and threw them at the faces of the two playing checkers.

    The third old man upon witnessing this, burst out laughing, spilling his tea all over the checkerboard and into the laps of the other two. Raquel continued her run in bare feet, and so didn't see the remainder of their interaction, but that interaction was as follows.

    The one with a now-empty glass laughed even harder when the other two stood up looking like they had experienced incontinence again. They were furious at first, but the laughing man's dentures fell out into his glass, and he laughed even harder. Contagious as it was, the other two couldn't hold their smiles back anymore, and they too began laughing uncontrollably.

    The three of them ignited each other's laughter until they all did in fact experience incontinence. When Raquel passed by them again returning home, she saw them laughing, now each with pants much darker than when she passed by earlier, and she was sure it wasn't the lighting.

    Once again, the contagion of the laughter struck, and Raquel found herself rolling in the middle of the street. One by one the neighbors stepped out to inspect the matter, but it was to their demise as each one found themselves bent over on their porch, clutching their abdomens.

    The contagion spread thus throughout the region, then the continent, and eventually throughout the whole world. As emergency personnel are able, they each give their best attempt to address the situation, but none last more than a minute. To this day it remains the most highly contagious, yet least fatal epidemic to strike the world in human history.

Descent of Bananalord

    Multitudes of people gathered around the alien banana that had descended from space in a fireball. It hovered in the center of the crater it created, unblemished itself. After some time, it peeled open from the top and a figure stepped out from it. The figure was tall and humanoid, and wore a peeled-banana crown. He opened his arms and displayed his banana fingers for the people to see.

    With an amplified voice, he announced to the world "I am Peelfred Bananafingers. Appeal to me!" Then he zapped everyone with yellow, banana energy, and they all began bowing with a banana-peeling gesture. All except one person.

    Ben Ahna stood in the corner, casually eating a banana of his own. When he finished, he folded the peel back up and threw it at Peelfred, hitting him in the head and landing right at his foot.

    "Who dares assault Bananalord with the holy peel?" Peelfred blared.

    "You ain't lord of nothing!" Ben replied, stepping up to the alien.

    "You are quite mistaken, unripe one. I am Bananalord, and you'd do well to submit willingly. Potassium therapy is not nearly as enjoyable" Peelfred corrected Ben with a menacing grin. The people gathered around the alien banana continued their bowing.

    "We'll see about that" Ben laughed, then picked up the peel and Peelfred's feet and slapped the self-proclaimed Bananalord in the face. With the alien distracted, Ben climbed into the Bananacraft, found the banana blasters suspiciously quickly, and fired them at Peelfred.

    The peeled-banana crown flew off the enemy's head, and Ben caught it on his own head after swiftly exiting the craft. The crowd subtly shifted the direction of their bowing toward him. This he disregarded, but he fixed his now-banana gaze on Peelfred, and bore into him until he submitted to the new Bananalord.

    From then on Ben Ahna reigned over the people of Banana Crater, and all were happy. It'd be hard work subverting the banana beacon requests being sent from the banana craft, but nothing new for Ben.     Once his banana army was complete, it'd be of no concern anyway.

Extra Sharp Sales

    Mr. Schlossburger was the president of Cheesy Snack Foods Inc. A more obvious piece of information couldn't have been stated in his presence. Your hands would be covered in cheese dust after shaking his, and his breath reeked of the curdled concoction. A cheesy odor followed him as if it depended on him. He loved cheesy foods and was always glad to share his enthusiasm with anyone he encountered, regardless of their consent.
    The CSF Inc. board of directors decided they needed a new flavor one day. Simultaneously they decided Mr. Schlossburger needed to be done away with. The most efficient solution was clear to them, and Mr. Sharp was not one to dawdle. He met with Mr. Schlossburger one afternoon by the cheese vats, and before even giving a cordial salutation, Mr. Sharp shoved Mr. Schlossburger into the cheese vat.
    CSF Inc.'s new flavor "Extra Stinky" was released at the beginning of the next quarter, and it made record sales. Best of all, the board no longer had to endure Mr. Schlossburger and his pungent stench. And that was the most important thing, the board decided.

Agnate Treasury Assignment

    Under a gaze of violet eye shine, Adamine examined her assignment. "Infiltrate the Agnate Treasury. Retrieve the Golden Bond." Short and sweet.
    Adamine shut her eyes and laid down in her bed, ambient violet illuminating the room through her eyelids. She clicked the eyelight off and thought about how she'd retrieve the Bond.
    Getting into the Treasury would be easy, getting out cuffed in gold shackles? Nearly impossible. Nearly.

    It'd take all of her cunning and agility, but if it needed to be done, she's the one they'd want on the case. Twelve hours to get a full night's rest, and plan her execution. They didn't pay her nearly enough for this. Luckily for them, though, she'd do it for free.

The Orange Bottle

    His bottle was so orange! Like, so orange, you wouldn't even believe it. Even if you saw it, you'd say out loud "I don't believe it." And all of us would be standing around you pointing at the bottle saying "but you see it. Right there, you see it. It's right in front of you. Look at how orange it is!"

    But you'd still say "I don't believe it." And all of us would scoff and say "We don't believe you. It's right there, it's orange. You have to believe it."

    Then you'd shake your head and start walking away, and you think it'd upset us, but really, we know you're the one who's upset. You're the one who's never seen a bottle that orange, and you'd go home and cry into your spaceman pillow, and drink from your plain gray bottle when you were thirsty. But why don't you even believe it? It's obviously so orange!

    But then. . . then you'd remind us. We always forget, but you kindly remind us every time. The aliens flashed your orange receptors when we went to space. When we crossed the 620 nm threshold. You were our captain, and you crossed it first, and the aliens presumed us to be a threat, and so they panicked. They flashed you along the 620 nm band. And that's why you can't see how orange the bottle is. I'm so sorry. . .

Crack for Jules

    Crack

    "What was that?" Jules said, standing up abruptly upon hearing the noise. One of the many pockets on her cargo pants caught the chair as she stood, bumping it into the desk, and spilling her coffee. The foam landed as a nice tuft on her left high-heeled Adidas, but the little coffee that remained still soaked through to her toes. Jules cringed.

    Stooping to wipe up the spill, she failed to notice the menacing figure that approached behind her.

    Crack

    "Sheesh!" Jules exclaimed. The noise from right behind her startled her and she slammed the back of her head underneath the desk, this time spilling her pitcher of ice water. Her right foot was not spared this time. Jules cringed again. Eventually she recovered enough to address Bruiser Brody, and ridiculed him for his obnoxious cracking, and creepy mannerisms.

    Bruiser Brody stared at her unfazed. Then he took a walnut out of his mouth, put it back in, and bit down hard, cracking it with another Crack.

    Jules cringed a third time, then punched Bruiser Brody in the face, toppling him to the floor unconscious. She stepped over his body to refill her water, and get another coffee. The rest of the day she worked in peace, without a single Crack to be heard.

Sustenance For the Afternoon

    "Oh'm'gosh I am famished!" Brittany said.

    "Finished with what? I could shop all day!" Kimberly replied.

    "Not finished, famished. Ahh you're such a donut sometimes!" Brittany corrected her best friend.

    "Ahh oh'm'gosh, I totally misheard you, and I totally am! And I totally wish I could have one!" Kimbery said, realizing how hungry she was after all of their shopping.

    Then from a bakery down the street walked Chelsea, their other best friend, and in her hand, she held a box.

    "Chelsea! Ahhh! Oh'm'gosh that smells soooo good! Like, what is it!" The first two squealed simultaneously. Then Chelsea opened the box and revealed three giant donuts.

    "Hey girls, look what I brought us! It's from Life Ring's down the street. Daddy just opened the shop to supply our yacht, and of course as another business venture."

    Brittany and Kimberly looked at each other, incredulous. "But we can't like, actually have one. That's so many calories! I think Mediterranean Salad just switched over to their lunch menu, let's go there!"

    "Oh no." Chelsea stopped them. "These aren't regular donuts. These are salad donuts, freshly made. You have to try them!"

    Again, Brittany and Kimberly looked at each other, then grinned, and grabbed a donut and took a big bite. With lettuce hanging out of their mouths, they groaned at the deliciousness of their sustenance for the afternoon. When they had each finished their donuts, Brittany said "Now I'm finished."

    "Well duhh, I can see that. Now you're the do-- Oh'm'gosh I totally get it!" Kimberly said. The two of them laughed, then proceeded to explain to Chelsea the verbal catastrophe that had occurred before she arrived.

    "Oh'm'gosh that's. So. Funny!" she replied. "Who's ready for more shopping?"

    For a third time Brittany and Kimberly looked at each other then said, "We are!" And once again, the three friends locked arms and strutted down the shop-lined avenue.

Ernest the Athletic Engineer

    Ernest inspected the mechanism fixed before him, his numerous pens lining his pocket protector reflecting from the silvery shaft. He took his time, composing himself, for grasping the mechanism was commitment. When he was ready, he stepped forward, bore the mechanism on his shoulders, and heaved.

    Thrust after thrust, he repeated his vertical motion with the mechanism. And ten reps later, he docked the mechanism back upon its altar. His last set was complete. Ernest removed the weight clips, and then the weights, and wiped down the bar. The mechanism was prepared for another to bear it.

The Sizzlemouse

    A tiny mouse scurried across the hardwood planks that made up the floor of the cabin, warmed thoroughly by the heat radiating from the fire in the hearth. Elkwidge watched it carefully, waiting for it to stop. He crouched behind father's chair like a lion prone in the tall grass, waiting for the chance to strike its prey. His diaper bulged out the right side of his romper.

    Eventually the mouse did stop, and Elkwidge seized his opportunity. His father noticed too late what was happening.

    "Elkwidge no! That's a --" but it was too late.

    Elkwidge had kicked the mouse right into the fire, and not a moment later the mouse exploded to the size of a lynx and landed right in front of the fire, smoke swirling from its nostrils.

    "Sizzlemouse. . ." Elkwidge's father finished saying and he grabbed his son and pulled him behind himself. "Don't move." He said.

    For some time, the sizzlemouse stood there growling at the two, and just as Elkwidge's father was about to grab his shotgun, the sizzlemouse began coughing in a smokey fit. He wheezed and sneezed until Elkwidge and his father no longer felt concerned for their lives. Elkwidge retrieved a bowl of water from the kitchen, and once again sneaking past his dad, gave it to the sizzlemouse, who drank gratefully.

    When he had finished, he collapsed onto the floor exhausted. Elkwidge's father cocked his shotgun and took aim, but Elkwidge approached the sizzlemouse a third time and embraced it in a hug like it was his pet.

    "Move aside son" the boy's father said, but Elkwidge simply snuggled into the beast's chest, and the beast embraced the boy like a dog it's master.

    Disturbed, Elkwidge's father lowered his gun, and sat back in his chair, carefully watching how the scene would unfold, ready to shoot should the sizzlemouse attack.

Acorn and Honey Day For the Squirrels

    It's acorn and honey day for the squirrels! They're going crazy for the stuff. Chitterfunk has his mouth stuffed full, and Wendchatter is nearly drowning in that jar. Those crazy squirrels!

An Evening Under the Gnarled Oak

    I went for a walk this evening and when we stopped to play by the gnarled oak tree, there were two creepy sloths hanging from the top, just staring at me. The shredded burlap sacks they wore seemed like an extension of their matted fur; both were green with mildew. Everywhere I went, their red eyes followed, and I soon suspected their intention.
    It's a good thing I did too because as soon as I dove towards the stroller to grab my mirror shield, they both blasted where I had been standing with their laser vision. I wasn't having any of that today, I came to have fun under the gnarled oak tree. So I fixed my mirror shield upon my back, and continued playing on the ground. If they tried to blast me again, it would simply be reflected back into their faces, and they'd meet their demise.
    Some people think sloths are slow moving, but really, they're slow thinking. It's a good thing my foes are sloths and not bobcats!

One Over Par

    Ronald lined himself up for his final putt of the day. When he was sure of his line, he stepped up, took one practice swing, then proceeded with his stroke. It was perfect, he read the line perfectly, and it was going straight in.

    Just before it sank though, William Norris snuck onto the green and kicked Ronald's ball off the green and into the sand trap. Ronald exploded into a furious eldritch fireball and soared up into the sky to spot his foe, who was now sneaking away, back into his old, clunky Ford Taurus. Just before he made it back into the car, Ronald descended upon him, and grabbed him by the feet.

    William Norris was dragged back onto the course. Grass, dirt, and ants filled his facial orifices, and eventually sand joined the debris as Ronald stepped into the sand trap.

    Once again, Ronald aligned himself for his shot. It'd have to be speedy as the sand was melting under his fiery aura. Ronald swung William Norris back, then followed right through the now-glass, making perfect contact with the ball, shredding William Norris' face, and adding even more debris to his facial cavities.

    Fortunately, the ball went in, and Ronald ended up scoring only one stroke more than he ought to have. He dropped William Norris on the ground, and left him to smolder. His face looked like a smoking cigar: gnarled and ashen. That's about all he was to Ronald, who had quenched his aura and was now walking back to the clubhouse.

    The course manager informed him he'd be charged a fine for littering, to which he replied, "Put it on my account, it was worth it."

    Ronald tossed his clubs in the back of his Type A school bus, donned his bus driving hat and vest, and set out to line up with the other school buses before dismissal.

Best Avoid the Forest at Night

    "Take it from me!" The old witch cried. "The forest is no place to be at night."

    "But WHY grandma?" Jenny complained.

    "You fool of a girl, why do you think? 

    "Bears?"

    "Exactly! Those poor things have it hard enough as it is, no need for you to go scaring them when they're trying to sleep."

    Jenny sighed. "Okayyy." Then she went back to her room to try and scare some spiders that were hiding in the corner.

Fierce Irony at Dinner

A lion landed

In my food. I wish he'd eat

That, instead of me.

The Battle of Mountain Creek

    On the fortieth day of the Battle for Mountain Creek, General Lester Robberts gazed upon the battlefield trying to remember why they were fighting these goats. Under a white banner he marched across the battlefield, several times dodging his men butting heads with the enemy. He'd have to thank Edna McSween for her efforts in making these helmets; they'd have lost the battle on day one without them.

    General Lester Robberts swiped open the enemy general's tent flap and immediately delivered the words he'd thought of on the way. He explained the nonsense of the fighting and suggested there were surely more peaceful means for the acquisition of Mountain Creek.

    The enemy general stared at General Lester Roberts long enough for him to grow uncomfortable.

    Eventually, the caprine general said "Maa!" then leaped over the table and headbutted General Lester Robberts in the face, knocking him unconscious to the floor.

    The enemy general marched out of his tent and unscrewed one of his horns. Clumsily, he brought it to his lips with his hoofs, and blew. The drone was heard throughout the region, inspiring all the goats on the battlefield. With renewed vigor, they made an aggressive push against the enemy line. Without their general, the men lost their ground quickly and retreated back down the mountain. Victory went to the goats that day.

    Since then, there's been no sight of General Lester Robberts, but guards remain posted at the mountain entrance at all hours, looking out for their beloved general.

Egg Olive Eater

    A large green snake came over to eat its lunch of a thousand olives. It was a fancy snake named Charles, and the only thing it ate was olives, the big green kind. It pretended they were eggs and still swallowed them whole by unhinging its jaws.
    Seeing a snake unhinge its jaws was unsightly, and to see one do it for a thousand olives was repulsive. Charles didn't care what the onlookers thought, though. He just liked eating his egg-sized olives.

What to do About Chatty Cathy

    Man, Cathy wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't so chatty. But it's like, all she does is chit chat. I mean did you see the way the birds took flight as she came around the corner? I guess it was Mr. Herbenstrubel running from her that probably scared them away, but I bet they can tell. I bet they know when they hear her voice to fly far, far away because she could snare even them in a conversation.
    Maybe that's what she should do. Maybe we can convince her to go hiking in Brazil. Yeah, if we can get her out there she could get lost in the rainforest and talk to all the parrots; they'd love that. And honestly, she'd probably meet a bunch of other chit chatters that've been shipped there too, and they could all talk at each other all day; it'd be paradise for all of them. The poor animals though.
    Have you heard the rainforest at night? I haven't but I've read that it's loud. There are so many animals making noises. If Cathy and her chatty friends met up there, though, the animals wouldn't be able to endure it. And most of them are already endangered! Do we really need marmosets? They can take one for the team, right?
    Okay, that's the plan, sorry animals. We'll take Cathy, send her to Brazil, and she can chat it up with all of her other international chatty friends. If we lose some marmosets, oh well. She doesn't even speak Portuguese, I think. And if she wants to chit chat with the Brazilian's that badly, then she can go learn Portuguese. Either way, it's their problem.