Mr. Shmittigan's Two Cents

    "I'll give you my two cents" bellowed Mr. Shmittigan, always eager to offer advice to those uninterested in hearing it. Well little Alfred was an exception, and was himself eager to hear Mr. Shmittigan's two cents. Perplexed, the old man continued on, but he stammered, unsure of what to actually say since he was used to having to shush people up to listen first.
    "Well, the way I see it, you threw the newspaper right into Ms. Whatsitworth's face, and you owe her an apology. When she returns from the hospital, see that you're the first one to see her." Mr. Shmittigan said. 

    Then he subtly added "and after you do, see if you can put in a good word for this old guy. She's been playing hard to get for far too long, and it's about time I snag that catch."
    Little Alfred nodded excitedly, happy to finally have to good, solid advice for once. When Ms. Whatsitworth returned from the hospital, little Alfred was waiting on her stoop, and though she tried to ignore the little annoyance, he stood right in her way. She glared down at him "come to throw another newspaper at my face? Haven't you had enough!"
    "I just wanted to apologize Ms. Whatsitworth! Mr. Shmittigan told me I should apologize to you, so I did."
    "He did now did he? Well I appreciate the sentiment, and I suppose you're forgiven."
    "And one other thing. Mr. Shmittigan said he wants you to play snag the old guy with him, he's far too hard to catch."
    Ms. Whatsitworth was a proper lady, and held herself with great poise, but at the challenge offered to her that moment, she glared over at the old man. He was standing on his lawn, smiling and waving at her, and an instant later she was sprinting across her own lawn. Before Mr. Shmittigan realized what was happening, Ms. Whatsitworth shoulder checked him in the gut, knocking him to the ground.

    He lay there cross-eyed with the wind knocked out of him. She squatted over his torso and stared at him angrily until his eyes focused and simply uttered "tag." Then she walked away, regaining her posture, and entered her home.
    As Mr. Shmittigan found the strength to stand back up, he looked over to little Alfred walking on the sidewalk. Little Alfred simply winked at him and gave him a thumbs up. Mr. Shmittigan looked back over at Ms. Whatsitworth's house, and after a moment of eye contact through the window, she shut the curtains. Mr. Shmittigan returned to his home confused. He sat on the couch and pondered long and hard about whether he'd give his two cents to anyone again.